What will you bail on?

It’s the holiday season, when nature becomes quiet and dark and, yet, our social calendars are more full than any other time of year. I get a pang of anxiety every time I walk past the calendar in my kitchen and see that nearly every little square in the month of December is filled with some kind of obligation. While I like Ugly Sweater Parties and decorating Christmas trees as much as any other American, I also love unscheduled nights at home, drinking hot cocoa and listening to music. So, where does that fit into the schedule?

This morning, as I drank my coffee and caught up with a dear friend, she asked me “what are you willing to bail on?” This got me thinking: What we say “yes” to can define us in many ways but, ultimately, what we say “no” to defines us as well. Sure, I can do it all. I can say “yes” to everything and catch up on sleep in January. But, do I want that? Do I want to feel depleted, or do I want to offer my full attention to fewer things?

How will you be most nourished this holiday season? How will you define yourself, and what are you willing to bail on?

Photo by Martin Lopez on Pexels.com

 

Thoughts On Being Mothered

“Moms aren’t just those gals that do the birthing- they are also the stepmothers, mentors, teachers, friends and people who do the nurturing and loving. I am talking about the women in our lives who teach, care, listen, act, hug, wipe away the tears, tell us everything that is going to be all right, say no, say yes, guide us, who pray and have faith in us. These special women share the blessings of a mothering spirit as they touch lives and hearts forever. They mother because of their great capacity to love and they give of their generous spirit without expectation.”

-Sandra Magsamen

The other day, I fell off my bicycle on my way to the kindergarten. I hit the sidewalk with a big “thump”, skinned my elbows and knees, and was in a state of shock. So, I cried. When an older woman came running from across the street to check on me, I resisted the urge to say “I’m fine” and let her help me up and give me a hug. I cried a little bit more. I am 29 years old and nurture children for a living, but I was reminded then of my need to be nurtured as well. As I stood there on the sidewalk with this stranger, I felt completely ridiculous, but I didn’t pull away or ask her to leave. I just stayed there and let her care for me.

All day long, I give hugs, hold tiny hands, wipe away tears, listen to stories and ideas, and offer support to growing minds. I have long wondered how to refill my emotional energy tank at the end of the day, and only recently do I finally know the answer: a mother. The older I get, the more important my own maternal figures become. Especially as mothers and nurturers, we need them. So long as we are giving love, we must remember to receive it as well.

 

 

 

Wild Things

Yesterday, I caught myself saying something I never thought I would say. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I froze.

I would like to be able to tell you that I always say the right thing, and that I follow textbook proceure when it comes to child development. I would also like to tell you that I get 8 hours of sleep each night, meditate daily, never miss a gym session, and don’t eat sugar. But, what would that achieve? I am human. Sometimes I compensate for lack of sleep with an extra cup of coffee, and sometimes when I’m stressed I lose my shit.

Yesterday, in a moment of chaos, with Legos flying past me like meteorites and children’s voices raising way past the comfortable “level 1” (formerly known as the “indoor voice”), I felt my blood pressure rising and my mind racing. I had just come back from a meeting with my supervisor and I had a mile- long list of things to do. Behind me, I heard a shriek followed by hysterical crying from one of the younger girls in the class. She had been struck by a Lego meteorite. I knelt down to her level, held her and said:

“Calm down! You’re fine!  Stop crying!”

What was I doing? This isn’t me, but some panicky version of me who was preoccupied with notes and paperwork. I was certainly not practicing what I preach. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that if someone said to me: “Calm down! You’re fine! Stop crying!” in the middle of a breakdown or emotional moment, I would certainly NOT feel comforted, understood, or loved. Frankly, I’d be pretty pissed off and most likely become even more emotional!

Last night at my weekly yoga class, the instructor introduced the month’s theme: wildness. She read the following:

”When asked to describe “wildness”, most people would use negative terms like: “out of control”, “unrefined”, “unruly”, or “seld-centered.” Wild things are untamed and deemed not useful to most human beings. A wild horse is not useful until tamed, saddled, and bridled (or turned into horse burgers). A field of wildflowers is not useful until it is fenced, titled, fertilized, mono-cropped, sprayed, harvested, and hoarded. Wild equals “not valuable”, while tame equals “valuable.” Human beings are destroying the seed of wildness in themselves that gives life it’s rasa- it’s special taste.”

Immediately, I thought back to the wildness of the classroom that day and the wild crying that was the result. Teaching is a constant balancing act between order and chaos. Order breeds certain wonderful qualities in children such as learning to listen to one another, following instructions, and safety to name a few. However, we must not let the importance of order stifle the individual wildness that is within us because many beautiful things are born of it: Creativity, individual opinions, and emotional intelligence just to name a few.

Sometimes, focusing on the rules and list of “to-dos” distracts us from the real reason we show up each morning- the kids.

As I worked up a sweat in yoga last night, my focus was on my individual wild fire within. This morning, as I drink my coffee at my desk and wait for the kids to arrive, my focus is on their wildness. No one is perfect, and why should we be? Perfection is boring, and no one ever remembers the people who follow the rules; we remember those who create them.

To be quiet, calm, and unemotional is to be inhuman.

For all of the parents and educators out there, you have my wholehearted respect and admiration. A great deal is asked of us on a daily basis that can draw our attention away from those tiny little beings who look to us for guidance and support. So, let your own wildness shine through and give them permission to do the same. In those overwhelming moments that are inevitable, take a deep breath and bring yourself into the present moment. Your little ones will thank you, and you’ll be giving yourself a gift as well.

9 Solutions for Students Who Fidget

It’s that time of year again… Back to school! Here are some ways to combat the disruptive nature of fidgeting in the classroom:

1. Pencil sharpening: Give the fidgeters a special job and have them sharpen pencils periodically.
2. Standup desks: This is increasingly popular, these are sometimes sold with adjustable stools and a foot board that wiggles.
3. Stress balls: Many “fidget toys” are sold for use by students, such as “squeeze balls,” “squeeze ducks” and Koosh balls. Sometimes their use is even written into an IEP.
4. Bike inner tubes: Wrapped around the legs of a chair, they allow kids to bounce their legs during learning. There’s even a commercial version.
5. Coloring books: Stressed-out high school students love to color, and so do adults.
6. Knitting: Knitting has a calming quality, which is why it is regularly taught in Waldorf schools. It can be done with fingers alone if needles are banned.
7. Stability balls: They’re also known as “yoga balls,” used as occasional or even continuous seating.
8. Desk placement: Put the “moving kids” on the outside edges of the desk clusters, so they don’t distract the “sitters.” Also, never keep them seated for more than 15 minutes at a time.
9. Chewing gum: Unjustly banned?

Day 7 – Have Alone Time

Svadhyarya: Self- Study

Be reflective. Spend time with yourself. Know yourself. Take the time for quiet. Be still.

It was not until my mid- twenties that I truly appreciated the value of alone time. I remember being known as a “social butterfly” by my teachers and family, which was frequently noted in my report cards! Socializing was my strength. I knew exactly what to say to make others feel good about themselves, and because of that I always had a lot of friends growing up. However, as time went on, this became less and less rewarding. It began to feel less genuine, and more like a habit. When I went to college, I lived in Chicago and threw myself into city living, soaking up the late nights, laughs, and “go go go” attitude. It was not until a few years later that I began to appreciate simpler and quieter things… And this totally changed my life. I appreciated walking and jogging on my own, and even just laying in the park with a book. I especially enjoyed journaling as a medium for alone time and self reflection… I found it more productive than calling friends to vent or gossip!

Some children don’t need to be taught the value of alone time, as they may be naturally inclined introverts. For others, though, it is helpful to learn at a young age. Some enjoyable activities include journaling, reading, listening to music, yoga, or making art, depending on the child’s interests and age. The benefits are endless, but most importantly children can learn to look inwards for validation and create a healthy sense of self.

Things to avoid: Being too busy or over-scheduled; Looking outward or to others for answers to who you are.

Things to practice: Enjoying peaceful moments in solitude, being reflective, looking inward for answers and ideas.

Example: Rather than going online to check Facebook after school, you choose to head up to your favorite corner of your bedroom. You turn off your phone and play your favorite music for 10 minutes. You feel refreshed and calm and confident about your ability to do a great job on your writing assignment.

Books with self-study as a theme: I am a Loveable Me, I Believe in Me, Sometimes I Feel Like a Mouse, The Way I Feel, Emotion Commotion, I Take a Deep Breath, Chicken Soup for Preteen Souls, The Affirmation Web, Is There Really a Human Race?

Day 6 – Work Hard

Tapas: Austerity

This principle is about self-discipline. There are countless reasons why children do not strive to reach their full potential, and this carries on throughout adulthood. In college, I was fascinated with the theory of Learned Helplessness. This theory states that, when an individual feels they are not in control of a situation, they do not put forth any effort. In other words, they “give up.” For example, if a student struggles with a learning disability and is constantly being scolded by teachers, parents, or peers even when they are working hard, over time they will stop trying and assume they are not in control.

There are lots of ways you can encourage children to “work hard”, but the most sustainable strategy is to help them feel in control. This will allow children the confidence and internal strength it takes to motivate themselves without external or material rewards.

Things to practice: Creating both daily and long-term goals, exuding enthusiasm and determination for these goals

Example: 

1. You decide to complete your homework right after school, before going out to play. You do this because you know that it will ensure that homework will not be forgotten about and will get done in time. Plus, it’s a good habit that will serve you well in the short and long term.
2. You find sun salutations really difficult because you cannot touch your toes and decide to practice 5 half sun salutes each day when you wake up, until you reach your goal of touching your toes.

Book suggestions with austerity as a theme: How Leo Learned to be King, Unstoppable Me

Day 5 – Be Clean

Shaucha: Purity

Take care of yourself, body and mind. Take care of your community, earth, etc.

Things to avoid: Littering, emotional “dumping” on others, filthiness, substance abuse, junk food, swearing/ cursing

Things to practice: Keeping oneself clean, eating healthy foods, exercising, cleaning up the earth, being responsible in actions and words, being respectful to yourself and others, using good manners

Examples for children: Brush your teeth twice daily. Say “no” to drugs and alcohol. Eat nutritious foods and get lots of exercise. Choose to recycle. Avoid using foul language.

Book suggestions with purity as a theme: Mother Earth, The Earth and I, Why Should I Recycle?, Unstoppable Me

Day 4 – Practice Moderation

Brahmacharya: Moderation/ Control

Aparigraha: Non-Greediness

This yogic principle is about the concept of “all things in moderation” and self-control. It’s ironic that I am writing this as I reminisce about the second (possibly third) helping I had of ice cream last night. Regardless of age, moderation is a challenging thing to practice, especially if we are fortunate enough to live in a country where resources are abundant and luxuries are easily obtained. However, even in lands where this may not be the case, over indulgence can be practiced in our speech, desires, or use of our bodies.  For example, exercising too much goes against this principle since it means that one is not listening to what the body needs and ignoring it’s limitations.

Children are far more in tune with their animal instincts than adults, which can be a fantastic thing when it comes to expression and creativity. However, this is also an opportunistic time to introduce the concept of moderation as it will be formative to their character. On the other hand, children are also less materialistic by nature, since societal pressures are less likely to have kicked in.

Before:

After:

Things to avoid: Doing too much of anything, whether it be thoughts, speech or use of our body. For example, sitting in front of computer games too long, using too much of earth’s natural resources, eating too much, having/ wanting too much. 

Things to practice: Control and moderation in all aspects of life

Example for kids: When you see all of your friends coming to school in the latest brand design of sneakers, you immediately think you must get a new pair, too. But then you remind yourself that your sneakers are fine, still fit and have a lot of wear left. Having yet another pair would be somewhat wasteful as they are not really needed. You decide to be happy with, and grateful for what you’ve already got.

It is also a wonderful experience for children to be exposed to less fortunate children than themselves. As long as it is not presented in an “Us vs. Them” manner, it can be eye opening and truly life changing over time.

Book recommendation with moderation as a theme: It’s Not What You’ve Got

Day 3 – Be Generous

Asteya: Non-Stealing

Be generous and quick to share with others. Do not take what isn’t yours.

For kids under 3, this is insanely difficult… Near impossible, actually! Toddlers seek to have their needs met, and have no developmental concept of sharing resources. That’s ok.

Let’s focus on school age kids here. Stealing is extremely common, especially when children gather in packs and peer pressure kicks in. It’s important to ensure that children have a solid foundation and understanding of this principle early on. They can become the leaders instead of the followers.

Things to avoid: Jealousy, hoarding, coveting, plagiarizing, stealing anything- including items, ideas, or someone’s attention

Things to practice: Sharing, using objects correctly/ appropriately, utilizing time responsibly, giving

Example for children:

You promise not to interrupt your brother when he is telling a story- so as not to steal attention away from him.

You love animals, so you decide to volunteer a few hours per week at the local animal shelter.

Practicing and promoting the principle of generosity is a character builder for children. In practicing together as a family or class, you will bond together and hold each other accountable. Do not be afraid to be vulnerable either- It’s ok for children to call you out when you slip up too!

Book suggestions with generosity as a theme: The Selfish Crocodile, How Leo Learned to be King, Unstoppable Me

Day 2 – Be Honest

Be truthful in our actions, thoughts, and words. Tell the truth. Be yourself/ be true to you.

“Satya” or “truthfulness” is a value that most parents and educators struggle to effectively explain to children. Most children are caught “fibbing” to avoid punishment, or telling a “white lie” instead of the raw truth. There are so many reasons at the root of this, but it’s crucial that the principle of truthfulness is stressed and demonstrated at an early age so that children grow into adults without the heavy burden of lying or shame weighing them down.

Things to avoid: Dishonesty/ lying, deception, withholding, manipulation, holding grudges, pretending to be someone else/ not being true to yourself

Things to practice: Giving constructive feedback, forgiveness, non-judging, assertiveness, owning feelings and behavior, honesty, being true to oneself

Examples for kids:

1. You are at your friend’s house after school and he offers you his homework to copy. Though it might be easier to copy your friend’s homework, it would be dishonest and so you choose to do the assignment yourself.
2. Some of your friends want you to try smoking with them, but you and your parents have agreed that smoking is very unhealthy and that you will not try it. You say “no” since you don’t want to deceive your parents, and you don’t want to be a follower just to fit in. Be honest and true to you!

Book suggestions with truthfulness and honesty as themes: Slowly, Slowly, Slowly said the Sloth, The Wolf Who Cried Boy, Unstoppable Me, The Empty Pot